so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
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