So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
