why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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