I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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