just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
