I'm going to jail i love you
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
