My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize