he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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