Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
