Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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