My Higher Power is John Stamos
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
