We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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