Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Boobs speak an international language.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
