my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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