You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
