I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
