I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize