it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
