I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
