I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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