I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
