My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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