Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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