tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
