I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
