We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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