You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
