...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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