He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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