Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
