Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the day after is always just damage control
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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