I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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