Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
