I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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