God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
