While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
