im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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