my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
