i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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