She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
