She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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