Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Damn victory sex feels great
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