i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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