Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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