Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
