I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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