so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
