When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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