happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
