I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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