I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
