I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
