It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
