The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
