Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
