he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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