I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
