i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
