I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
