My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
